shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train, getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoon


so much for the misery...
decided to try out a new place at wordpress
sse you at
www.xsihaun.wordpress.com...

i have told myself NEVER ever to blog about this part of my life ever since that entry...
but late into the night,
chilly wind freezing me up simply because i let my windows open,
letting tiny droplets of rain in, staining my books, papers, receipts and table top.
no one to turn to, no cheek to wait them up and tell them my sobz story yet again...
so i turn to blogging... which only conclude my theory of Reasons Why People Blog.
6 years ago, i enjoyed my birthdays very much... it may be simple but it always evolve the friends that i really cherish, a very good and satisfying meal and lovely presents...
then, 5 years ago... i still have beautiful friends with me, sumptous meal, thoughtful presents... and buckets of tears...
tears... on my birthday, eve of my birthday, week of my birthday, month of my birthday... tears of great sorrow, great hurt... why?

i was so happy... i merely wanted to share my happiness with you? i merely wanted to bounce up and down like a little kiddy girl and chat non-stop and tease and scream... merely being someone who i usually suppressed while with others...
and i got a slap in the face... so fast and hard that i got stunned, lost in that moment.
hurt, that unexpected pang of pain... heart wenching, pain that you could scream and scream, on and on and never seems to fade...
grasped my head hard, knocked it against the wall, knocked myself out, just to shut out that pain.

yet,
sitting there quietly was my little ribbon... waiting and tempting...
to leave this place, this sorrow state, so tempting...
death is ugly but at least there is a pretty ribbon to beautify it? a little ribbon to to to.. make myself feel better?

*it has always been my wish that if i do leave for a better place... everyone that i knew, that has given me something will get it back as it is. i have kept all the gifts that i have received. in good condition... therefore, should one day, i happen to be... well, you know, please take back what you have given me... i thank you sincerely for the lovely company of those gifts... it had cheered me up all these while and i wish for you to have them back so as to cheer you up too in times of need.*

the obvious? i havent blogged for ages...

i am thinking of closing this blog...
reason being i am growing out of the blogging phrase...
i am happier meeting you to tell you what happened in my life than typing it out...

but i am not through with blogging...
maybe for another use... photo-blogging, whatever whatever...

i dont know... uncertainty is a norm now.