shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train,
getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoonWednesday, January 24
how come i cant say the right things, do the right stuff, wear the right clothes at the RIGHT time?
being right seems to be so difficult!
i actually saw him at raffles place... at some unholy hour, some distance away... i was shocked!!! didnt know how to react... zheesh... he was looking at me... slowing down his pace, almost ALMOST going to wave when i turned and gave my friends my attention... then in the corner of my eyes, i saw him walked on as if nothing happened...
oh dear... there goes my dream guy...
been telling ben over and over about it and he's not helping! i am MEAN! shit... and gosh, i have to wear my kiddy skirt and that yellow winnie the pooh shirt?
what am i thinking???
should have listened to mandy and ditch that yellow top craze!!! no more yellow tops for me! that's it! oh my god... and my friends had to look drop dead gorgeous while i look like a kid...
-grab my pillow and hide my face and scream!-
ARRRRRRGH! on a total irrelevant note... he is still GORGEOUS! sigh...
Tuesday, January 23
i have barely a month to learn a year's worth of knowledge...
i couldnt be any more depressed.
i cannot foresee myself finishing maths 2, stats 2, coporate finance and econometrics... in short, i am so dead...
kept asking myself did i make the right decision of sitting for 6 papers in a row...
dear Lord, be with me...
Saturday, January 20
a beautiful day in zoo with my papa, (like father, like daughter)
ooooo, i caught them hanky pankying!
quack quack!
nice butts?
oh oh, my lovely polar bear!!! (mummy's going to scream when she's back!)
my tiggy phone holder
tiggies!
Saturday, January 13
finally, i have an Eeyore at home... i used to not like Eeyore that much cos it is always sad looking... but hey, this Eeyore is happy!!! =) thx grace...
when such a cute and happy monkey comes along, i just have to have it... =)
mandy has one too.. and look, his tail is standing up!!! wheeeee, so cute!
i am so going to miss her...
Friday, January 12
i dashed up five storeys of stairs, flung open my door, ran right into the toilet and relieved myself... gosh... what a relief!
minutes later, i sat before my table, looking at the pile of mess in front of me. with a sweep, i made a tiny space right in the middle of the table and emptied my bag.
life, i feel, is back to normal again... normal? what's normal?
she is gone, with her, all my laughters and fun...
no more gossiping, no more shopping, no more jokes, no more sharing, no more laughing till our cheeks hurt like mad, no more walking till our tiny feet ache like nobody's business...
just an hour ago, i could hear her voice quavering over the phone... no, i told myself, she aint crying... i refused to believe that her leaving actually saddened the both of us... hurriedly, unable to comfort and unable to face the reality, i ended off the conversation...
ah, i then remembered all the little stories that i have saved to tell her but couldnt recall when she was back... then i remembered, shit, there were things that i promised we would do but we didnt... oh bugger, did i meet her as often as i'd promised to?
oh, why was i crying?!
looking at my messy table, i realised, i am all alone again... boyfriend aside, family aside... my best friend is gone... for another year... all we could do is to exchange emails again... -_-'
minutes later, i sat before my table, looking at the pile of mess in front of me. with a sweep, i made a tiny space right in the middle of the table and emptied my bag.
life, i feel, is back to normal again... normal? what's normal?
she is gone, with her, all my laughters and fun...
no more gossiping, no more shopping, no more jokes, no more sharing, no more laughing till our cheeks hurt like mad, no more walking till our tiny feet ache like nobody's business...
just an hour ago, i could hear her voice quavering over the phone... no, i told myself, she aint crying... i refused to believe that her leaving actually saddened the both of us... hurriedly, unable to comfort and unable to face the reality, i ended off the conversation...
ah, i then remembered all the little stories that i have saved to tell her but couldnt recall when she was back... then i remembered, shit, there were things that i promised we would do but we didnt... oh bugger, did i meet her as often as i'd promised to?
oh, why was i crying?!
looking at my messy table, i realised, i am all alone again... boyfriend aside, family aside... my best friend is gone... for another year... all we could do is to exchange emails again... -_-'
all i can do now, is to move on... and yup, and according to someone famous, how successful you are depends on how fast you move on... well, i am here tonight, picking up all the broken pieces, rearranging my books, notes and files, updating my planner.
got to ease back into my training schedule,
got to get back to sleeping at 11pm,
got to get back to mugging and mugging,
got to get back to a healthier diet (NO MORE JELLIES, PUDDINGS AND SWEETS, okay la, lesser of them?)
dammit.
my holiday officially ends here... it has been a fun and busy (so busy that i wish i have 28 hours a day) and tired (gosh, i missed afternoon naps and sleeping 8 hours!)... babe, thx for your company and everything. i am missing you.
oh dear, how am i going to face this monster now that you are gone? zheesh...
Monday, January 1
eh, my last post was a bit long... given my font size and layout, it is probably not advisable to read.. however if you do wish to, i would suggest you copy and paste to word document or something... =) happy new year, zheezh! i should get going!
while physically exhausted from rushing from place to place, keeping myself alert and chatting almost non stop 19 hours a day, cracking my brain to organize my days without any double loading… it was madness! the only peaceful time i had was on the bus home, i knew i was heading home, my day had ended, mission accomplished.
in between, i took a closer look to the things and people around me… what i observed has brought me great pain which i refused to acknowledge till yesterday… it was a simple dinner at his house… i sat on the table shyly, knowing i am the subject of curiosity… his aunts from Canada and England has dropped by and apparently, they have heard about me… i don’t know what to say… never good at all these kind of social talkings… i sat there dumbly… all of a sudden, his mum put a plateful of SALAD in front of me! dear God almighty, i DON’T eat raw vegetables! for a few seconds i was contemplating whether i should pass some to him but decided it will be utterly rude to do so…. no choice, i slowly ate, piece by piece, by the time i finished, yes, the rest of them has finished their main course! my goodness!
anyway, i had the most interesting conversation with his grandmother… she was well, insisting i try one of their traditional perankan dishes, the Indonesia black nut (i think that’s what they called it… anyway, you can find out more about it from yesterday’s Sunday times, last page of lifestyle). it tasted, hmmmm, different. she was telling me how long and tedious the cooking progress it was and all the aunts were like nodding in agreement… anyhow, the bottom line is i miss home cooked food, i miss having a grandmother, i miss or rather i wish, i have loads of aunts and uncles… one of his uncles is one of the IJ board of directors (i am shocked)…
over the years i have gotten over the ‘i wish my family was…’ in fact, i am very happy with what i have now… there was a time when i wish everything was not… i tried to change it by force, face it by hiding it but i guess, with age comes wisdom and courage? recently, very recently, i decided to embrace what i have…
i used to be ashamed of my dad… i couldn’t grasp the idea of why everyone’s dads can be with their family all the time while i grew up seeing my daddy only once a year, maybe even twice… people often asked, what does your dad do? i often replied, i don’t know, he is in hong kong. the truth is i know… he worked in the largest shipping firm in asia… he had to travel around the world making sure that the goods were safely delivered and some stuff… that i don’t know. he wrote to me from chile, brazil, mexico, cape of good hope, and i lost track of other places, he bought me bags and clothes… i particularly remembered this bag he bought from London which my mum kept telling me to use but i refused… in the end i hid it and declared it lost. when i was 5ish to 7 or 8ish, i looked forward to his homecoming… wore my favourite dress to the airport and screamed when i saw him… we would do luggage opening and then i would beam at all the things he got back from us… but, as i grew up, i kinda hated it… because i hate to send him off knowing that i would only see him again in a year’s time… because i hate to cry because i hate to stop saying ‘my daddy this’ and ‘my daddy that’. slowly, i erased his existence quietly from my life… the only reminder is that monthly US dollar check.
as i watched his family, i slowly came to term that my family was broken… in a way, still is. when my dad came back for good, we couldn’t accept him, me being used to a fatherless influence, mummy too, and kor too… we had problems settling down… i even screamed at him once asking him to go back… it was stupid i guess… years down the road… it has been almost 5 years now, i slowly understand him and me and what went wrongly… yes, i don’t really hate him i guess, it was just misunderstanding… he loves me and though i am always defiant, i love him too. we had a lot of sacrifices but hey, i see clouds are clearing… =)
the other night at mandy’s house, i saw her screaming when her dad came home… i felt sad, happy for her, yet sad for myself… years ago… i was like her… i hate asking for a ride home or taking a ride home… but that night was the first ever, i made that request… i was emotionally drained after that… thanx mandy for that ride…
as i slowly uncover the illusion around me, i wonder to myself, what the hell have i been doing… strangely during this christmas season has amazed me so much that i couldn’t even believe. the happiest time i had was the one i would never expect… and happiest time i thought i would have well, didn’t appear to be… perhaps my mum was right, i was too stubborn to realize it. there were some friendships that i valued a lot, not a lot kind of a lot, but perhaps more than the usual? but it slowly dawned onto me that perhaps how i felt wasn’t how someone else feel… with everything coming… i slowly learn to let go… i just don’t wanna fight for something which isn’t mine…
2007, will it be a year as fun and challenging as 2006? i don’t know, but i thank God for my past and i pray that He will continue to walk with me… may He walk with you too, dear friends…