shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train, getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoon


a dear friend of my dear has chosen to end his time on earth...
the news was hard to stomach...
i guess if he thinks that heaven is a better place then earth, then i wish him well and happy then.

after a tiring jog in the stadium, i crossed over the bridge to get my bike to cycle home... i didnt bother to wear contact lens today cos it was only a jog... anyway, i was walking on the bridge when i saw this guy holding a orangy bike chain... couldnt tell the colours of the chain properly cos of the lightings and my specs... anyway, strange, why was he holding the chain...? anyway, it didnt bother me as i climbed down the stairs... at the end of the stairs, there was this old man unlocking his bike (parked right beside the bridge). i saw in the corner of my eyes, a guy keeping a bunch of keys in a waist pouch not far from the old man... then i thought, where was his bike??? seeing none, i was like heck, dont be kaypoa... as my bike was parked at the fence along the canal, i needed to walk like 10 seconds more before spotting my bike.
the next thing i saw, i was shocked... my bike chain was GONE!!! i was like 'WHAT?' then i looked around and the guy keeping a bunch of keys was gone!!! then i realised, the bike chain i saw just now WAS MY BIKE CHAIN!!!!
oh my god, someone tried to steal my bike!!! no no, some two persons tried to steal my bike!!! oh my goodness!!! i was totally shocked and in disbelief! how can this be happening??? and i always believe that singapore is a safe and low crime rate country?
had i decided to stretch after the jog, my bike would have been gone!
seriously, if i catch anyone so much as touching my bike, i will punch the head out of him... this bike was a gift to me. a precious gift and dont you dare even think about touching it!

walked into candy empire and bought $10 worth of chocolates... and out of that, i ate... 3 pieces of imported chocolate (white choc with macadamia nuts is GOOOOOOOOOD!) and 2 pieces of nougat (my all-tme favourite)... the rest, was miraclously gobbled down by him in less than 5 minutes??? and then in his way of thanking me, 'do you feel that you have just fed me with a ten dollar note?' DUH!!!
=)
went to world book fair and i found some pretty good bargains... i bought six books... of which three were catherine cookson. i remember the days when i walked about in the library shelving books, i would pass by the shelve labelled COO and i would look at the untouched books thinking, if nobody read catherine cookson's books why did they buy so many of them? =) but hey, 5 years later, i am a fan of her! hahaha...
and i spent a total of $17 on books... imagine books instead of choc... i am fully prepared for the attack of pimples again... sigh.

and i was thinking...
about the saturday's special on children being raised in poverty... and i think how lucky i am... there's always a part in me that i wanna help to make a difference in the society, in someone's life... because i feel that, God create us not to buy branded goods, live a life of luxuries and fun... but to help to others grow and so as to grow ourselves. to make the world a better place and to spread His love. and i know, with my puny little effort, i cant change much... but, a little change is better than no change... a little love better than no love...
i still remember the days when me and yi went down to galilee centre to help out... i remember the smiles i had when i left the place, and the tears i shed when they drew me a birthday card.. and sadly, i dun know what happened to me, i didnt make an effort to go back...
but, i will, be involved in volunteering again, SOON.

thought my life was pretty uninteresting at this point of time but...
i was wrong!!!
stadium closed at 830, and i woke up from a nap at 700. so i took my bike, rushed down five storeys of stairs and started cycling like mad to the stadium... somehow along the way, a taxi suddenly pulled up in front of me and the woman happily swung open the door and got out... thanx... i nearly crashed into her and the door and did a jacky chan stunt! i never got scared this badly and suddenly since dont know when!!! how could you just open your door just like that?! you almost killed me!!! and strange, why didnt your taxi drive all the way into spans...? sigh...
if i knock into her and the door, i dont know what the outcome would be...



somehow, i am amazed how a small little creature can have such a big impact on me... it robbed me of all my energy, my concentration, my smiles and my thoughts... i thought i could get over it by replacing it with another you but i just cant do it...
btw,
X-MEN rwaks!!!
i dont think jean grey really died in the comics... she turned into phoneix and flew off to guard something in the universe... nevertheless, i think huge jackman is really really erm... good looking? =)

i am so sorry
i didnt mean to kill you.

before you could take in another breath something hit you hard in the face... and you spent the next few minutes struggling to recover your senses, and then, just when you thought you were ready, something hit you hard again... it happened again and again until you got so irritated and frustrated and you cried out, WHY ME? yes, yes, why me?
i wish things were as simple as black and white... i wish i could look into the future... i wish that i could twitch my nose and things would happen the way i want it to be... i wish.
i reached expo hall 1 at 935, with my bodyguard =) i wasnt nervous, i was dreadful... dreadful of the long 3 hours... and i was right... i looked through the questions when i received my question paper and i was like, nope, nope and nope... the three hours felt incredicably long... i finished writing and trying to write within two hours, for the next ten minutes i was hoping that someone would leave the exam hall so it wont be too embarrassing when i zao. then for the next five minutes i contemptated whether i should draw some soccer balls here and there to show that i support england in world cup and hopefully the marker would give me some sympathy marks... finally, one guy stood up and left... i looked at my watch, 1205... what? 55 more minutes??? so i started telling myself, if i leave now, there wont be any crowd at the mrt station... i wont have to keep him waiting for that long... BUT, i wont have a chance to change something...to make that one mark difference in my results... i stared blanky into my paper, trying to act as if i am in deep concentration and i reflected upon all the times i so wanted to study ifm so as to know more about the finance industry... and i ended up in hall 1, doing self reflection in the midst of exams... with that, and all the trust i left in God, and yes, i DID NOT pray as i felt unworthy to even pray... i reread the questions and TRY and do something good outta it... eventually i completed another question, spending like 20 good minutes DERIVING the whole formula for one simple calculation... i felt much better... but not enough to hold my head up high and walk out of the exam hall with dignity... I almost ran to the mrt station! the rest of the day was spent relaxing with buddy and him... watching crash and talking to his mum... am i then totally relaxed?
i have never felt so disappointed in my life before...
during a conversation earlier on in the morning... i said, if i have a chance, i would like to revisit my jc teachers and ask them what do they see in me? am i someone who would eventually rot in life or am i someone who would eventually succeed? what am i in their eyes? am i someone slutty? bitchy? stupid? am i a career woman or am i just a leech in some guy's life? how far can i make it?
thing is, this exam among other things brought me to see myself very differently from the one i see in the mirror each day... while i still figuring out what's my next move in life, i have to somehow, continue to mug for ME... something has to change somehow

mummy likes to pick on me...
boiled some chicken soup for me again and before i could drink it
"can you please not drink any green tea and teh after this?"
"but green tea got antioxidants!"
"then what's the use of drinking chicken essence when you drink 'cooling' stuff right after it?"
with that, she glared at me! =(
okay mum, you won..
i am forever this little girl that always makes mistakes in her eyes... gosh, she even guard the box of green tea in my house... i never seem to drink it without her noticing! damn it...

while taking a break from my studies... i decided to change my blogskin... boo!

why do boyfriends buy their girlfriends a ring?
to show they have bling bling?
to show they love their girlfriends?
to show that the girl is attached and other guys lay off???
but what is the actual meaning of it?
someone enlighten me please!

stressed
tired
lonely

i fought off all temptations to go out... to step out of my house...
so here i am, miserably alone at home... doing some questions that i never seem to be able to do... =(
three more days and i will be able to strike off one more stressful date... i cant wait!

about a year ago, someone special gave me a dress... i couldnt fit in... celia loe size 8. i am one size bigger. the dress fit nicely on my waist but i couldnt zip at my bust, even without bra... anyway, yesterday, i was trying all my dresses (in a mood for dress) but i realised i have worn most twice (except for the J2 grad night dress which is abit too formal)... 15 more minutes before he comes, i was desperate... so i took the only dress i cant fit in to give it a try... ha! it fit! so i tried with my bra... and again it fit! tadaaaa.... so compared to last year, i probably lost weight... i can still remember how we desperately try to fit me into the dress by pressing my boobs! but funny, my bra size is still the same -_-'
anyway, i got a bear for present!!! YAY!!! and it is the biggest ever!! i am not telling mummy cos i can picture how she would react... =) hahhaha...
the day was thoughtfully planned out by him... we went for novena and to vines restaurant for lunch... we had a normal set each with extra wedges and a yummy mango shrimp salad... i was bloated by the time we finished everything... and then we went off to catch poseidon... after the movie, he insisted for some ice cream, so we went to swensen...by then, i was bugging to know where we heading for dinner... we got into a cab and he told the taxi driver, mount faber. huh? i was thinking what's up there in mount faber... when we reached the place, my my... it was beyond my imagination!!! the place is so posh... we took many many photos! for once i was glad that i wore my dress! he took me to sky dinning... in a cable car but i would say it didnt turn out well... the ride was somewhat bumpy... stuffy in the cable car... and i had motion sickness... the first round was okay... the scenery was fantastic... and during the second round, i couldnt take it anymore, barely touching my main course, i threw up! =( yuck! we got off the cable car before even finishing our dessert... he was saying that i probably wasnt the first one who threw up cos the way they handled the situation kinda showed that there has been previous cases... anyway, i was feeling giddy and so we went home... the moment i stepped into my house, i puked again... my mum was horrified! i can imagine how she feel... hahhaha..
i guess the lunch was too filling for me... plus we sat down for movie after eating... and then ice cream! the lunch was almost what i ate for a day lah!!! and he said since yesterday was our thirteenth everything must be perfect...

'i am sorry i threw up and ended our evening rather abruptly... but i appreciate all the effort you have put in. it has been a rather eventful four years but i am glad we have made it so far. thank you.'

this is a lousy year so far... i have never threw up in my entire life and this year i HAD to throw up twice!!! urgh! now, it is time for me to refocus on my ifm again... with my huge bearbear!!!


my big big big bear!!!


really happy with my biggest bear ever recevied! =)


mount faber... caber cars!!!


sky dining!!!

went to spotlight yesterday and i saw jeo teo walked right pass me... moments later, i heard her talking to someone behind me... i turned around and it was mrs tan ai leng... oh no... okay, i dont know jeo teo and i know she dont know me... so no point calling her... but mrs tan ai leng... she taught me in sec 1 and 2 and i saw her practically every week because of library duties.. should i call out to her... anyway, i was in the queue and i wasnt in a mood to chit chat... i was in shorts and slippers, very shabby dressings... so i pretend i knew nuts... then the two of them had to walk around me to choose the fabrics... and i knew, mrs tan recognised me... sigh... she stared at me... i saw it from the corner of my eyes... then she went to the back of the counter and she was looking at me 90% of the time.. she probably cant remember my name but she DO know me, after all, she loved to pick on me..
after buying my satin, i rushed off to the candles section and all the time, jennifer chu was right before me... dilly dally... what the hell are the IJ teachers doing there??? choosing fabric??? !!! and i overheard jeo teo talking to mrs tan... 'hey, there is a cinema up there... we go catch a movie after this...' mrs tan, 'quite a few good movies i havent seen....' i know that teachers are still human beings after all but... watching movies in PS? i would love to bum into them!

the whole encounter left me disturbed though... i am not what you called a true IJ girl... i am not from IJ primary... i am not in the most active cca and i dont know many people outside my class... so am i really an ij girl? what makes an ij girl an ij girl...? the main reason why i dont want to talk to mrs tan because, there aint much to talk about... i remembered her asking me to help out in the library when they were moving in and out of the school everytime i saw her but they were just empty promises... all that slip short hi and bye... i dont know... but i wished i had at least say hi to her... now i wish... i miss the school..


made him went home with my balloons tied to his hand and cushion in his arms!


HIS presents....!


breakfast by the balcony...


BALLOONS!!! one burst though... =( i wish it can float in the air toooooo...


cushion cover made from scratch...


NEW SKYTRAIN!!! =)


sending me to expo and waiting for me to finish the paper...

i am not sure what i am doing and thinking these days... i am floating in and out of the real and surreal world...
managed to cut my index finger with my nails... dont ask me how exactly i did it... it just happened! sigh... now i am crippled...
weird conversation(1):
my ambition in life is to make *** and *** cry.
weird conversation(2):
my ambition in life is to sue *** and ***...
i give up!

i made myself some chicken essence for dinner tonight. at the supermarket, my mum tried to force me to buy a whole chicken but i only want thigh meat!!! sigh, i got 3 chicken drumsticks in the end.... after like 15 minutes of arguing??? and then while washing my drumsticks, my mum decided to be helpful.. need some herbs??? i thought of some chinese wolfberries and then she was like, okay, add some of this and some of this and some of that... in the end, she dished out like a bowful of herbs... my supposedly golden soup became black soup... and then she had to complain the amount of oil in the soup and how lazy i was not to peel off the skin. mummy, the skin IS the ONLY reason i eat chicken... and with that, she went out with papa for dinner!
in my mum's eyes, i will probably never grow up... never.

after one week's of struggle, i finally sat for my accounting paper... i dont want to comment about except that i really need to pray hard. hahahha... the thing is that right after the paper, i came out of the hall feeling very battled and bruised... i felt as if i wanna go home and cry and then fall asleep... i wanna cuddle in my bed with my bolster and slip away into my dream world. another part of me has to bear with stiff neck and shoulders, aching upper body and strained back. another part of me is starting to dread the next part of it, International Financial Markets.
well, anyway, a very special thanx to someone who INSISTED on sending me to expo, waited nearly 4 hours for me doing nothing, and then sending me home... in a way, i think i was very much relaxed because of you. Thank you.
now, i am relaxed... going to meet bern and zhi tmr to bum around and then grace and marie... i cant wait to start on my ifm notes!


clear sky!!!


beautiful scenery? just outside my balcony!


look at the trees... in full bloom!

not complaining much but to cram a year's of accounting stuff in a week's time is really no joke!
and i am being offered a company to and back from examination hall... =) let's have popeye after that!!! =) on that note, i am definitely looking forward to the paper! hahahah... and yes, i never had a worser pimple outbreak than now.. what can i say??

when it hits you, it always hits you at your most vulnerable self
when it strikes, it strikes fast and hard, sometimes
so fast that you hardly see it coming, so hard that you think you are so dead

the worst thing i can ever feel is to feel that i have lived without accomplishing anything within a year...
since last exam, i made a promise that i would study in the next year so as to not repeat the same old mistake (studying just before the exam and praying that i would pass) yet and yet, i forgot about the promise and i lived on as i used to.
today, i reflected on what i have done since the day i got my results... i have done nothing substantial. i have not put in any time in my studies, i have not even achieve the goals that i have set up for myself.
so, i have wasted yet another year of my life.

days before my exam, a part of me know that i am doomed. but i refuse to give up... i can still redeem myself during this period and though i am ashamed, i ask the Lord for strength and courage. i know no miracles can happen but i will not sit there and do nothing.

it is also during this period of time, when i finally FINALLY see ME.

today's polling day and i must say i am kinda worried.
i cant pretend that politics no longer bother me because in a year or two, i am going to be out in the working force... and if the economy isnt good, i am doomed...

i am going to annoy loads of people out there but i dont care... i want PAP to have a strong mandate...
think about this...
do we have coal?
do we have oil?
do we have any mountains or gigantic waterfalls?
do we have water?
do we have natural gas?
nope nope and nope. the only thing we have to offer the world is a strong and clean government... a place where justice is served and corruption is minimal...
we need a government that brings us on par with the developed countries... we need a government which is respected else where in the world to build ties for us...
i think PAP is it.
to be a first world state/country, we have to have a first world government. they have to speak eleoquantly, with high level of education, with abundance experience and keen foresights.
i am sorry if i am offensive here but CAN we not TALK about the POOR????
PLEASE.
means testing: medicial fees according to how much the people can afford... isnt it fair to those with higher earning power? it is not that money aint important to these rich people. just like the rest, they too bled and sweat for their income... what makes you think you can make them pay more than others?
cost of living: HELLO, you want singapore to be a first world country and you expect us to have a cost of living of a third world country??? HELLO!!! look at sweden, switzenland, london, japan... etc... their cost of living is so much higher compared to us!!!
ministers' salaries: they are people with brains and they can earn more with their ex jobs... with no natural resources to make money, our ministers have to come out with really good ways to constantly recreate ourselves to attract investers and singaporeans are so whinny.. how much do you think they should receive? and if the CEO of the big MNC can have salaries with minimum 6 digits, being the CEO of a country should deserve less???

i think the oppostion parties have no doubt raised a lot of issues BUT i think the issues are not thoroughly thought through. to have leaders to think like that, i think singapore's future is relatively doomed. the opposition parties in a way convinced me TRULY that singaporeans are REALLY whinny and needy. whine about cost of living, low job rates, not enough this not enough that. i think it is pretty hard to create jobs (put yourself into their shoes and see if you can personally persuade any MNC here to invest). the only party that focus on the whole well being of the nation, from the poor to the not-so-rich-but-hope-to-be-rich to those who are rich, from those who cant find a job to those who can find job, everyone... i think no doubt, they are the best and we shouldnt deny them a strong mandate.

sadly, looking at the situation now, with singtel withdrawing shares, starhub, uob and the likes... i think the future of singapore is pretty gloom... if i am the CEO of some big companies i will withdraw too... singapore is really not a good place to invest without a good government. with that, i am looking seriously into working abroad and even migrating overseas, for one day, our country will be destroyed by some selfish and shortsighted,whinny and lazy, jealous and greedy people.

last night as i tossed and turned in bed
a thought came across my mind...
i have never really put in any effort in my studies since the start of school...
now, 4 days before the accounting paper, i began to cram everything into my head... i start doing the questions and i am stunned at their level of difficulty.
i havent even touch on my ifm, me and bora subjects YET.
so i am asking myself this question. DO I DESERVE TO PASS?
and if i do not... it would be a disappointing news to my family and more, i have totally wasted a year!
i cant believe i am feeling this way before exams... the feeling of not accomplishing anything throughout the year really sux...
but i guess
i shouldnt quit right? i should at least give myself a chance to redeem my sorry ass. right?
can i really pass a subject even though i didnt study for THE ENTIRE YEAR?

i am beginning to see what others have seen in me and i totally hate myself...

man does not understand monogamy
or anywhere near it
neither do some women

i am plainly disgusted, end of story.

all things set, ready to go!
all the way through the night to finish accounting term 3 notes!!!
so
hello to more pimples! and hello to more warheads... they work!!! and many many thx to my teddy bear for that lovely company...
btw i made a HUGE mistake in the exam dates i am so... '!@#$%'


teddy bear, check. exam entry proof, check. warheads, check. strepsils, check. what else?

why am i the ONLY one that sees the ugly side of you?
why?
plenty of girls adore you, i dont blame them...
but why me? why? why? why?
i wish i hadnt met you
i wish i am one of those who just see that perfect side of you
in the simplest meaning of hate,
i hate you.

caught harry potter on channel five again... and this time round, i am REALLY irritated with hermione...
i am feeling really disgusted with people who thinks they know everything under sun... give them any topic and they will yak away... they never have the answer 'i dont know'. and they will speak in such a tone that they think you are the biggest idiot in their life. my my... doesnt matter, if it boosts their ego to find someone thicker than them, be my guest...
it is just kinda funny, esp if one realise that they are just babbling bullshits.