shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train, getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoon


i was happily exploring the new marina square in my ij pinafold...
all of a sudden,
fel appeared right in front of me, in her ij pinafold too!
and then we started dancing around wildly... we even decided to attend mass at Church of the Sacred Heart.
huh? at that very point of time, i had to wake up. =( i was so confused by my dream that i had to message fel to see if she was really back in singapore anot.
this morning, i dreamt again.
it was a really nasty dream and i would not wish to repeat it again.
i am once invaded by dreams again.
somehow i hate dreams
the happy ones leave you deprived, desperate and wistful
the ugly ones leave you sad, agitated and frightened

on the other hand, i miss wearing my ij uniforms...

i was being ignored last afternoon. everyone avoided me!
so my way of responding to such a situation was just to keep to myself?
what i didnt know that something's in the air.
marie was carrying my present and grace and becky tried to protect her from me. thus, i was either walking right in front or right at the back.
and then after dinner i was wondering why since becky kept saying that she was late but stayed put at the table. just as i was wondering if there was a cake for me, and if so how did they get it since i was with them all along, TA DAH... i got a CAKE!
it was a wonder that i can get through the afternoon WITHOUT realising that there was SOMETHING in the air.
and i even happily commented grace's bag looked like a luggage when they actually stuffed my present inside.
and my present's box was actually quite a size. huh?
okie, i got a specially made bear from Cool Bear! her name is Sh...Shu...Shuu. (guess that's inspired by mark harris.) and i so LOVE the bear!
first of all, i've always wanted a bear from that shop.
secondly, i've always wanted an english bear.
thirdly, it is so cute!
forthly, it has hidden stuff inside the bear! -beams-
i love everything. saddly, i was recalling how upsetting i was to feel everyone was trying to lead me away from them, especially how i wanted to talk to marie and i felt that she was always moving away from me. and i think because i was thinking too much on why was that happening to me that i didnt realise that i had a surprise coming!
=) many thx to marie, becky, grace, lydia and dawn. -hugz- thank YOUs.

okay, i am no longer a kid anymore. the 'teens' part of me is officially gone. i never get used to saying i am twenty years old but i guess from this day onwards i dont really have any more excuses of still being nineteen. sighz.

i had pillow fight, hide and seek, catching and pizzas and KFC and tvb drama series for my birthday. a great way to remind me that i am going to be an adult soon. nevertheless i enjoyed bouncing on the bed and screaming and pillow smashing and tickle fight. =)

i know how much effort you've put in for the day. thanx for patiently allowing me to be late for 30 mins and thanx for staying awake despite being so tired. i am really touched, i am. thank you. so much to say yet nowhere to start, i treasure you in my heart.

received a msg from maxine who was my best friend in primary school. surprisingly she remembered my birthday after all these years and her msg warmed me so much. i felt so loved and treasured instantly.

the loveliest gift, simple joy of being loved and treasured.
thank YOU for all your wishes. i love all of you too.

went out for lunch with my ex collegues from meritus mandarin and i was so disappointed to hear many familiar names being 're-structured'. felt especially upset for casey, one of my two sales managers who have unfortunately been fired too. sigh. well, i definitely hope to meet him again one day to thank him personally for being really nice to me, for respecting me and patiently coaching me, for being so friendly and making me work even harder. life is just so unfair. boo.

i got a sudden urge to get married, seriously. uh, what's wrong with me uh?

i am so pissed
i dont understand why some people are just out to make people's life miserable.
i dont understand why some people like to assert their power for the sake of asserting their power
i hate army
and i hate DD
just because you didnt get ben's respect
just because you try to steal ben's credit
just because you want to meddle into ben's business in which you dont even have a part to play in
AND
just because ben KNOWS how fucked up you are and refused to be bullied
YOU try to make things difficult for him
nice try, made him signed three extras.
i dont see simply being a captain gives you the ultimate authority. just like you cant make someone walk around naked just because you are the captain and you say so. there are moral boundaries and if you being a captain dont even know, then YOU are NOT fit to be one!
i'll see who will have the last laugh!
stupid army. filled with useless regulars who cant find a job elsewhere. stupid people whose abused their authority. stupid and stupid and stupid. LOSERS!

i am sore about something someone but i cant exactly say it out loud. it will probably portray me as petty. i dont think so. i am just sensitive and observant.
you know what, i can pretty survive on my own. i dont really need you to be around me. dont use me dont fake it to me. if you dont like me, just freaking get out of my sight. i hate it when you push me to my limits and put me into a position where i get defensive. you are the reason why it makes me wonder, sometimes, why the heck do i care to be nice to people around me.

the reason why i am cold and withdrawn is because i really cant be bothered to entertain acquaintance. i dont really wish to know everyone i dont really wish to befriend everyone. i am already happy with my own circle of friends.

i think i am having pms today... i am super sensitive to things around me and i got to constantly remind myself to relax today. the bus ride home was horrible. i didnt even daydream. oh no. i hate pms.
for some reason, i like the rainy weather... i like to open my windows and let the damp air in. i like the smell of mud after the rain. i like the feeling of being so secure at home whie the sky is pouring. BUT, i hate it when i am about to get out of the house or when i am about to go home. i hate to be caught in the rain on my way to meet someone. i hate carrying umbrella just in case it would rain.
but i still like rain. =)

i dun know whether to rejoice or not that every holidays i seem to have something to do. i wish to fill my days up with work to do but it seems that i only have wednesday free to myself. oh man, i HAVE to meet cheehwee this week. i missed her already. boo.

i never felt this ... calm. went to ben's house at 645 today and was greeted by super hyper buddy which wagged his tail and circled around me when i entered the house. i never had such a warm welcome before. and of course, he 'helped' me untied my shoe laces twice. so cute!
it was a long jog to east coast park but it never felt like one. we went through kallang, through mountbatten road, through fort road before finally hitting east coast park. along the way, we met the safra running club members who were trying out the marathon route (i presumed) and i saw a monitor lizard which was almost a metre long swimming in the kallang river.
it was peaceful and cool... i loved running and running with him made everything even more wonderful. i came home, tired but refreshed. very very contended.
nonetheless, i began to dread flipping through the newspaper. these days i can only read articles on disasters, missing moneys, murder cases and deaths which include suicide bombings. it saddens me that while i am enjoying every moment in my life, having a shelter, both parents and a brother, friends and money and, many people at this very second i am typing are shivering in the cold and cruel darkness. many people trapped, forever, in the poor fate of poverty and discrimination.
i sincerely ask everyone of you to think of those pakistani who have died or still trapped or have managed to survive yet feeling they should have died instead. please remember them in our daily prayers, thank you.

some way along the training process i felt like giving up. i hate waking up in the morning going for a run and not just any run, a run which is supposed to prepare me for that half marathon. it is not that fun anymore.
anyway, i went to watch ben's friend's break dancing on thursday at Club Momo. they were having camp babe 2005. i didnt bring my ID and was nearly denied entry when Ho Jie came along. hah, he was the organiser! =) so i got in, without a hitch. =) but then i dont really like club momo... their dance floor kinda look shabby, or is it just me?
anyway... i will be having a week's break and i really hope i can use that to catch up on ALL my studies...
tomorrow will be a long morning... 10km to east coast park, -whines-

i think reality is becoming more and more painful
the thing about everything is so perfect
scares the hell out of me.
i dont know what to say and what to feel
i am just so afraid that if one day this happiness shattered
how am i going to take it?
for this two weeks of my life, i never felt this treasured and loved
and i feel complete for once.

maybe i should really really consider signing up for the standard charter half marathon. i will (procasinate) train everyday 6 times a week and go on a strict diet. no fast foods and no soft drinks. err... maybe one can a week... i shall spend less time at the malls and more time at my desk. sounds dull and boring but it would be a goood change for once. for two months. then again, if i do train well enough and can finish 15km within 1 and a half hours by 31 october. hmmm...

i want to find fault with you but somehow when you materialise in front of me, all that pent-up anger seem to vanish. i cant seem to forget the things you have done for me, not in the sense of gifts and kisses but more of patience, attention and your precious time. did i ever mention thank YOU?

i am planning for my next challenge in life. ^,` actually it is abit too late. then again, i only got my own laziness to blame.
i am still deciding whether i should sign up for the half or full marathon. of course i would wish to join the full marathon but i have to be practical. with less than 2 months to train i cant simply hope for miracle again. then again, it IS a bit embarrassing to take part the half marathon (to me). sigh. and then mock exams would be around that corner.
if i were to take part i cant afford to be lazy. i have to make sure i RUN and RUN and RUN. i got to watch my diet (THAT IS THE HARDEST PART... somehow i dont think what i eat will affect how i run but all the experts will tell you to watch what you eat) i got to stop being lazy and make sure i dont waste time on doing stupid things like dreaming. i got to study effectively so that i can still pass my mock exams. errr.... looks tough huh?
i cant make up my mind.


you know how much i love you, you know how happy i have been lately despite all those loomy thoughts on studies. it has been so perfect that i've started to become paranoid about it. is this for real or just another wistful illusion?

this is crazy... it is not even the end of the week and i am already so emotionally and physically drained. i cant decide between a solid day at home studying or sleeping. oh drats...
i am so sick of shopping malls. urgh! and dont know why the more i wanna save the more things i have to buy and i cant seem to stop spending.
and i seem to have so many things on my mind. maybe it is just me...

where are the good old days when i am sitting by the window and watch the world goes by?
when can i disappear from the world for a freezing trip in nepal?
when can i sit back and relax and smile at what i have been through?
sigh... every weekday i am being weighed down by tons of paper works... homework to hand in, topics to understand... i dont even have time to breathe! while stonning in the mrt on my way to school, and telling myself it was okay to stop acting cheerful and nonchalant for a while, i thought, i had to stop giving myself excuses to be grumpy. i have to have homework for the next two years and like it anot and i have to face it. bleah, that very thought turned me sour instead.
so i bet all of you are tired hearing my whinnings... who doesnt have homework yeah?

haha...
then again...
IS ANYONE I KNOW GETTING MARRIED?
cos i want to attend a wedding mass and dinner!
can the guys go propose to the gals now? and can the gals say yes immediately?
i dont know but i see people around getting married... you know, wedding is such a happy occassion and i cant help but to feel happy for them! choose wedding rings, go ROM, choose song for wedding march, choose dinner venue... yada and yada so cool!
IF i ever marry a rich man, i want to hold my wedding overseas! (dont steal my idea...) only people that are close to me will be invited... i think i have that list already. haha, and if my man aint rich, we shall have a small wedding and save that money for a nicer honeymoon! =) i personally hates big wedding... i like to surround myself with people i know, and share my joy with them.
BUT
then again, IF i do get married, IF anyone wants me in the first place. hahaha... i might end up growing old alone! =)

i dreamt of someone far away.
someone of small significance in my life
someone who left a tiny footprint in my memory
someone whom i have never seen again
someone who once made me smile and felt so special
even though i didnt notice then.
why
i dreamt of that someone?
spoiled my morning
ruined my mood to study
drew me once more back to that past.
if dreams were what one often thinks about
if dreams were not just coincidental
if dreams do have a meaning
what does this dream mean...

drats!

hey hey,
sadly, you still dont know me well enough
it is not that i dont talk
it is that i dont have the mood to talk
i am not that yak and yak person all the time
sometimes i know i can chat your head off
i can hold a one way conversation for hours
But
sometimes i just keep quiet
especially when i have nothing better to say
especially when i am just contended being in the background
especially when i CANT BE BOTHERED to even talk to you
keeping quiet doesnt mean i am stupid
keeping quiet doesnt mean i dont know what's going on...
keeping quiet either means i am enjoying myself by watching you making a fool out of yourself
or cant be bothered with you cos you are not even worth talking to.
so just leave me be if i keep quiet kz?
i dont have to let the whole world know what's in my head.
i like my space.

my mood is bleak... i find myself stuck in this stupid routine and i couldnt seem to get out of it. last weekend was horrible, i CANT study for nuts. i was super ultra dreamy... i was super duper lazily. yesterday was supposed to be the last minute preparation day for me and i slept the whole day away. okay, except that i went for spinning class in the evening and ate ruffles chips and watched the american's next top model. sigh. i am really not the material cut out for studying.
then again...
i think grace is influencing me into buying books again... i always love to buy books but somehow, my mum always say no. her reason being that books are a waste of space. just got that thomas friedman's the lexus and the olive tree and i cant wait to start on it. hmm... if i can survive this book i will continue to buy more. i also like to buy cds... except nowadays people rather download from internet then buying it off the rack. am currently eyeing that Winter Story. =) nearly bought the akon's trouble today though, luckily marie kinda reminded me that it is not really worth it cos i only like ONE song out of that cd. ;-)
heh.