shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train, getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoon


i had a really interesting day...
ever heard of who john von neumann is? he is the one who invented game theory which surprisingly involves about all the things around us... including nature. and it also explains alot of things that we never thought about being able to. what amazes me that mark harris is even able to prove that guys who chat you up at the club (disco) is not worth being a friend or at least he is not that interested in you. i am amazed by how game theory works in our lives.
and that brought me back to what mr eric tan had said. mathematics is able to explain everything under the sun. yes, i finally understand what he meant by that.
which also brought me to the point where by, i am really convinced that neither you nor me is smart enough to say i am smart or you are dumb. because i think, that (according to game theory) there are many choices in life, and thus many different sets of beliefs. and what you choose to believe will ead you to a unqiue ending and that probability of someone heading the same direction as you are is really small. so each of us are unique and we have no reasons to complain or criticise or judge.
but then being human, we are all subjected to 7 deadly sins...

err... abit too ... deep? i guess this managerial economics module really change my perspective of life, just as mark as predicted. as i was telling ben what i have learnt today, it made me digest and reflect... what an 'exercise' for my brains!
and i get to play with ben's sis's 2months old puppy. it is teething! and it keeps bitting everything but we concluded that he only likes to chew on human flesh. seriously, i never know that i can have a good workout at ben's place. by the time i left, i was sweating and panting. such a CUTTE dog... =)

i went to church this morning and dragged myself to gym after that. half way through the interval spinning class, i began to chide myself under the breath for not taking a heavier breakfast. my legs were so wobby after i got off a bike and my stomach was screaming at me. sigh.
october 15 will be my last day at california fitness and i have mixed feelings about it. maybe because i have found something i like to do (spinning) and thus, dreading the membership to end... maybe because when i am finally losing something i begin to treasure it. anyway, about those who would tell me they would prefer jogging or cycling in the open instead of on a treadmill or stationary bike, i would say, in the open and in a gym are two totally different scenarios. i find that running or cycling in gym can be really relaxing cos for that 30 mins your mind just focus on music and (muscles ache) and nothing else. it is kind of like a really sweaty meditation. and of course, you are in a almost pollutant free environment. i hate to say this but i am thinking of signing up for another gym package again... =)

heh, this is so like a first date where there is anticipation and excitment. i cant sleep tonight and someone out there knows what i am talking about. =)

i planned to work myself out in a frenzy state at gym today when i was hit by a dreadful cramp. sigh. now, i am stuck at home for good. and before i could make a decision whether to turn up for rciy or stay at home to finish up all the long over due revisions, huiwen popped in with a msg to ask me out tonight? how could i say no since i havent met her in a while? heh, there goes my friday night.
'buck up' reminded me of my pri 6 form teacher mrs koo, screaming, 'SHUXIAN, stop dreaming in class. you better pull your socks up' yup, what's new, i was already into the habit of daydreaming then. well, i still do and i still get caught. everytime i drifted off, mark harris would always say 'shoo shoo... shoo... shooxian..." and make me answer a question. always! maybe i got that look on my face when i daydream. i can tell you it is really dangerous. i nearly crashed into a tree while daydreaming on a bike. ask huiwen and she will tell you about it!
okie, i have planned out my weekend. hopefully, i can stick to what i plan. =)

went to play badminton and i realised.. i suck at it. used to think i was pretty good at it until bern's lionel made me reconsider in j2. it's been almost 2 years since i last played and oh my goodness! i keep missing the first few shots and cheehwee got the cheek to make me run all over the court. sigh. i was nice okay, i aimed her. she aimed all over and as a result i ran all over. sigh. right arm aching now.
okay, i am officially being made depressed by ME and Accounting. i hate mirco i hate mirco i hate mirco. boo. i better stop whinning about my studies. i think my last few entries were all about stress. shit, life has been this boring.
okay, i got to kick myself to turn up for ricy tomorrow. got to kick myself even harder to finish the cross stitch by sunday. do you think it is possible to finish a cross stitch within 4 days? i hope i can...
ciao.

sometimes i have a very different set of values and beliefs and i wish i can scream them down some people's throat. but that's only a wish. as long as they dont come screaming at me, i will leave them alone too.
some random thoughts of the day
(1) riding horses is really cruel (yup, i finally convinced myself) if i ever get on a horse i will never lead it. i would probably let it lead me instead. and i am seriously going to stop anyone who tries to ride.
(2) i hate china's chinese. rude, uncivilised, unpolished.
(3) i have something so precious now that no matter how much i want to share or show it off, i cant. i guess, i have finally gotten it.
(4) my workouts aint working cos, i am still eating loads and loads of mooncakes.
(5) i dread thinking about doing my homework in a minute or two.

bleah.

i think weekdays pass faster than weekends. and i think weekdays are so much more stressful than weekends. and i think i am becoming more and more 'withdrawn'
sadly, it is already week 4 into year2 and i feel that i havent learnt anything. and all the time i am panicking and panicking
i just wish
sunday is here sooner than i think it is.

just came back from schwinn cycling (all terrain) and i am aching all over. my thighs are stiff, my butt is tight, i cant climb stairs (took me nearly almost five minutes to climb up my staircase.
but all in all, it was a satisfying workout. not to mention that the instructor is so pretty, with a cute butt and nice legs... yup.
i am looking forward to sunday.
and meanwhile, trying my very best to study hard. i am 2 weeks behind in almost every subject. and i am predicting a packed week ahead. gosh.

=)

i woke up this morning at 3am. trying to ignore my urge to pee, i willed myself back into sleep. after a few minutes i realised i couldnt take it anymore, i dragged myself down the bed. only then i discovered that my room was actually brightly lit.
it surprised me so to find out that the moon was so bright that it nearly passed off as a morning sun. i quickly pee and came back into the room. staring out of my window, i felt a strange sense of peace. the sky was coloured as real dark navy blue, or rather, black with a hint of blue shade. the moon was glowing brightly, not in a way that it hurt your eyes kind of brightness. it was like a lamp, shining at a distance. my whole neighbourhood was also strangely lit up (actually, i dont think i ever notice how my neighbourhood looks like at 3am in the morning.) it gave me a warm familar feeling
for minutes, i stood there, basking in the moonlight, drinking my fill of the lovely surrounding. too bad my kapok camera couldnt take a good night shot. tonight, the moon will be at it brightest and i will stay up to watch the moon. every mooncake festival seems so special to me. over the years, my house has quieted tremendously. from screeching up and down with a battery operated dolphin lantern to hidding under the table with my candle lit fish lantern, from burning my wooden ruler using the candle on my mum's altar to playing at the concrete playground just below. everything has changed. i no longer buys lanterns (though i would stare at them wistfully in chinatown and taka), i no longer run wildly at home, i no longer lit boxes and boxes of candles at the concrete slide at the playground, i no longer take adverture walks around my neighbourhood, the concrete playground is no longer there (replaced by those same plastic ones) the sandy ground where i used to burn my paper lantern away and stick little candles into it is no longer there (replaced by those ugly cushiony mat), my mum no longer prays on that night, and my house is no longer as noisy as before.
hahaha... why i do get so sentimental sometimes? i dont know, i tend to have flashbacks of those good times i had. once in a while i would think of the changes i had in life. i have an enjoyable childhood, no matter how plain i used to think it is. it is really different from what kids have nowadays. i was not allowed to watch tv, of course there wasnt computers to play at. all i had was my imagination and creativity. changyi once told me that she and her cousins and siblings would walk to the botanical gardens with only their lanterns. and if i am not wrong, they still do it now. how i wish, i have these much of cousins and younger siblings, and how i wish i havent grown up at all. how i wish, that days would be filled with how-to-play instead of should-i-get-this-pair-of-sandals-or-dress-or-whatever.
so tonight, i will be having a proper home cooked dinner with everyone else and we would eat mooncake and sip tea at the balcony. we will chat the night away... and this will be part of my precious teen diary locked in one corner of my brain.
may this festival somehow make a impact upon you as it did for me.


the moon.... 


outside my window at 3am 

decided to change my blogskin ...
back to zzzzzz...

i am always wrong...
i thought i can gain some free time to catch up on my studies (i know this is just the third week of school... year 2 is really tough) but, i am finding myself filling up my planner with loads of activities lately. for once, i am entrusted with tuition assignment for this primary 3 girl cos her mum asked my mum for help. and to try and help her pass her final exams within a month is seriously tough. i wonder how should i go about doing it. sigh.
oh, i snapped someone's sandal today. actually, that someone is just marie. i think i bullied her quite a bit today. i stepped on her twice and on the second time, her left sandal snapped. i felt like shit.
anyway, i saw a lot of stuff that i really like and i am thinking if i go on like this i will never stop wanting. got to keep reminding myself the ten rules of simplicity. boo.

all that promises of i will study harder are forgotten
all that vision of me studying quieting at my desk in the evening didnt seem to materialise.
all that determination of reading up on miro and looking up on game theory seem to have evaporated.
all i have been to doing is paying quite a bit of attention in class and sleeping quite a bit at home. well, at least it is a fair start. after all, for nearly 6 years in my life, i havent been noticing myself sitting at the desk in the evening studying. hmmm.
and i need to get my arse to ricy this friday. been missing heaps of it for err... almost 2 months. sigh.

i think i am enjoying all these while,
school officially starts today since i can confirm my results and hence what subjects i will be taking this year.
a flash back of what i did in my first uni break, i can say, 90% are filled with happiness. i went to hong kong, i had a fantastic job, i had a fair share of fun, shopping and movies...
i must admit towards the end of break i got a bit, well, a bit is to mild, i got rather upset that the break is coming to an end. i got so touchy and grouchy that i think i hurt everyone close to me. sigh.
now, i am back, and i am fully recharged. got to change this stupid habit of mind which is switching on the com the moment i step into my room. really! my eyesight is declining. i need to stop thinking that i am running out of skirts and tops. i need to stop spending. speaking of which, i just bought a new mango top. am going back to get a mickey mouse skirt. oh yes, mickey mouse! and THAT pink pair of sandals. and i still have an hour to decide whether i want that sweater from dont-know-what shop which cost $98.
bleah.

i am still amazed and puzzled at my results.
i didnt touch maths and stats that much. i dont remember going through the revision questions, dont remembering attending any of the intensive revision classes, flunked the mock exam papers. and yet, i scored for it.
and most of the time (not a lot to begin with) i spent it on soci. reading or doing kaveri's essay. of all the subjects beside econs, i put in the most effort. yet, i failed. huh!
econs is kinda expected. got 4 for mock exam and that really woke me up. last minute in a short period of 2 months, i managed to cram everything into my small and lazy brain. thank goodness i passed. amazing...
POB, needless to say...
booo.......
at least i can start studying now.
oh yeah, will be doing
banking operations and risk analysis
international financial markets
principle of accounting
managerial economics
maths 2/ stats 2 (since i failed soci...)
and all these topics are bloody heavy. bleah.
on the brighter side... i got one box of mei xin mooncake already! =)

got my results, FINALLY!
and i guess, God really has a plan for each and everyone. i am really sure of it.
nothing to brag about but there are plenty of surprises...
and for the record,
I PASSED MY PRINCIPLES OF BANKING DOING ONLY 3 OUT OF 4 QUESTIONS WITHOUT ATTENDING 90% OF THE LECTURES, WITHOUT HANDLING IN A SINGLE ESSAY! of course, i did pray A LOT. hahahha...
well, i can finally start on my year 2 subjects...! yippee!

The truest love that ever heart
Felt at its kindled core
Did through each vein, in quickened start,
The tide of being poor.

Her coming was my hope each day,
Her parting was my pain;
The chance that did her steps delay
Was ice in every vein.

I dreamed it would be nameless bliss,
As I loved, loved to be;
And to this object did I press
As blind as eagerly.

But wide as pathless was the space
That lay our lives between,
And dangerous as the foamy race
Of ocean-surges green.

And haunted as a robber path
Through wilderness or wood;
For Might and Right, and Woe and Wrath
Between our spirits stood.

I dangers dared; I hindrance scorned;
I omens did defy;
Whatever menaced, harassed, warned,
I passed impetuous by

On sped my rainbow, fast as light;
I flew as in a dream;
For glorious rose upon my sight
That child of Shower and Gleam.

Still bright on clouds of suffering dim
Shines that soft, solemn joy;
Nor care I now, how dense and grim,
Disasters gather nigh.

I care not in this moment sweet,
Though all I have rushed o'ver
Should come on pinion, strong and fleet,
Proclaiming vengeance sore.

Though haughty Hate should strike me down,
Right, bar approach to me,
And grinding Might, with furious frown,
Swear endless enmity.

My love has placed her little hand
With noble faith in mine,
And vowed that wedlock's sacred band,
Our nature shall entwine.

My lov has sworn, with sealing kiss,
With me to live - to die;
I have at last my nameless bliss;
As I love - loved am I!

--Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte.

for you, my love... thank you for everything... i am very blessed to be loved by you. thank YOU.

i guess no one can tell that i am upset and sick right?
this is the first time i am down with a fever and sore throat and even my mum didnt notice it. well, i guess i am not even in the mood to look sick.
thing is that everytime i am sick i got nagged at and this time round i really dont have the mood to be nagged at...
anyway, i am feeling better now and if i can get my results i will be really happy. i know results aint going to be fantastic but i would rather get it over and done with. it is horrible to see people around you getting their results and rejoicing over it while you are still brooding over whether you have passed anot. irritating.