shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train, getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoon


i am so wrapped up with stress and depression
that i am finally down with fever
not the kind of fever with killing headaches
rather
i felt myself simmering
a weird sickish sensation at the throat
cold hands and feets
still
i managed to put up a brave front and fooled everyone around me
will be swimming tomorrow with cheehwee
even though i know mum is going to be mad with me
i seem to be running from something that is making me sick.

what a beautiful and unique vase
i treasured
priceless and fragile
hours of polishing and dusting
in the hope of making it even more beautiful
only to have it shattered one day
as i stared at it
my heart ached with an eternal longing
knowing i would never find such a fine piece again
i couldnt bear to touch it
the broken pieces seem too sharp
i stared at it all day
dumbfounded, lost, hurt
the broken pieces seem to tell me
'pick up the mess and move on'
well,
how will the vase ever know
how much i had loved it
how hard i had polished it
vase being a non human thing will never understand
the pain inside me
was it possible to mend it back
maybe
with God's intervention

sometimes when everything goes too well, there bound to be a set back.
i dont know
all of a sudden
i felt my cross is too heavy for me to carry
is it alright if i ask God for something because He is supposed to love me so much
or should i ask Him to show me His way since He is always right
what if i want something He does not want to give?
will my beggings change His mind?
can we avoid what is bound to happen?

usually, i think of sentosa as, a nothing to do place, a place where there are suckie beaches, a place full of young punks running madly on the beach and those attractions that dont really attract kind of place. well, i was proven wrong this time round.
i felt so relax upon reaching sentosa. it is probably less than a kilometre away from the mainland but the atmosphere is totally different. it was so laid back, sunny and peaceful. most probably because i was there on a weekday instead on a weekend... guess it really made a difference.
i rode a horse first time in my life... i sat on it while it trotted. i never knew horses are this huge... i always fantasize that i could gallop on the horse and do a legolas stunt with it but i guess... all these will never come true. the horse for an instance is so much faster than a bicycle. riding the bike on full speed is probably 10% of a horse's trot. and i mean trot. not even gallop. i felt that raw power beneath my body... it was ann amazing ride. though, i cant really control the horse. i felt so mean to pull its rein, felt so bad to kick it to get it moving. i felt so sad for him. for the first in my life, i felt that horse is not to be riden. i felt sorry for their lost of freedom. let this be the last ride in my life...
i canoed too. i loved the feeling of gliding through the water... being able to go anywhere without getting wet... though some people, being jealous i kept dry throughout the whole thing, decided to flood my canoe.
i had sake sushi for dinner on a lovely beach with a really fantastic sunset. it was all too romantic...
remember me, mandy and yvonne went to sentosa while mr tan was having math extra lesson on a thurs? i played wondergolf again. and it felt like old times....
i have a magical time in sentosa.. for a first, sentosa is much more interesting than ever... it is changing for the better... i can see two new attractions coming up.... a setback for now is the disappearance of the monorail. though i hate it cos it is so slow. the seats heat up in the afternoon and the rain comes in during a storm but i guess, it was a part of sentosa... i missed it. and the island will be more fun if there is a train moving around... at least the buses wont pollute the fresh air.
and for the record... i woke up in the chalet in the morning... and for the first time, i was dying for a morning walk!
how lovely... maybe it was the company i had, maybe it is by God's Grace.


the beautiful sunset on the beach... 


trying to steer the stubbon horse to the left...  


still riding... 


err... riding.... 


me upclose with the horse! 

i am tired beyond measures... which explained why i came back so early on a saturday night...
i never thought that parkway parade is such a wonderful place... the place is a shopper's heaven, well almost. i think i went to at least 5 shoe shops on level one! they have EVERYTHING there! it is all too cool! got a new bag for school =)
oh, btw, there is something amiss here... my router is working perfectly but i cant connect to it... right now, i am stealing someone's else bandwidth... sigh...

my router broke down and i am forced to surf the net using my kor's com... that means i wont be online at all... not that i am always offline since i always appear offline =)
meanwhile,
i will disappear into another world (yes, my lame jc frens might say, dig tunnel).
i will wait for my results and for school to start.
i will keep killing myself all over again for not reapplying to get into NUS or NTU. it seems to me NOW that not reapplying is a waste.

oh just for the record...
i do feel really blessed with this friend of mine...
she never fails to remind me what simplicity means...
she never fails to remind what true friendship is all about...
i know we dont scream the whole house down (that's not me anyway)
we dont giggle and giggle all the way
i just feel so comfortable with her...
thank you cheehwee... i finally met up with you after so long... perhaps i wil meet you more often since your school is so near my school now...
and i got to say this
you are beautiful in every single way i can imagine.

have you ever wonder how sad life is?
as you grow older
all your time and energy are devoted to someone something somewhere else
that the end of the day you are left with nothing
sometimes
you dont even know what you are doing
and then all of a sudden
the day is over
how many of us have made numerous promises
only to have them forgotten
dont we sometimes live for others
the clothes we wear, the way we speak, the things we do, the opinion we hold
subconsciously
just to please people around us
ever wonder there is more than all these
ever wonder what you are doing and why are you are doing what you are doing
ever wonder is there something somewhere out there waiting for you
ever wonder WHAT THE HELL AM I HERE ON EARTH FOR?

seriously, this has been bugging me.
suddenly, to me, dressing up for someone, being nice enough for someone to appreciate, talking just to attract attention or rather talking for the sake of talking, meeting up for the sole purpose of meeting up and show others how much you have grown, disgusts me terribly.
there are a few mistakes i made in life, that shames me alot. these are some of them.
i hate having to fit in. i hate having others to scrutinise me. i am who i am, i dont believe i have changed much ever since jc. if you give me that look on your face, if you add sacarsm in your words, if you think you cant stand me for reasons, then fuck off. i am not made to please everyone on earth, and i dont feel the need to be the most likable person on earth. i have people in life that i treasure and love very much and already, i feel so blessed. i seriously dont need YOU. get it? so kindly, avoid me. or i will kill you.

i feel like a little girl...
mmy brother brought me to marina south today and i really feel like a little girl...
i was whinning, YES, WHINNING! throughout the entire trip...
blamed the scorching sun, and when we missed the naval boat ride by merely one minute, i was complaining how a lousy tourguide he was. and then when he led me through this muddy ground, i told him how the mud would dirty my precious indie sandals from hk (a bit unnecessary but since he didnt scold me so i got bolder and lamer) and he told me to walk on the platform instead and held my hand so that i can keep my balance.
knowing i LOVE dogs, he brought me to see dogs... 2 german shepherd 1 golden retriver, and he esp asked the guy to bring the dog near so i can pat!
and then he showed me this girl he liked (kind of) tanned, rugged, pretty ( yes, for a girl who is quite tanned and without make up, a pony tail and dressed in no. 4 ) and soft spoken... i like her! =) and he patiently showed me all the vehicles and his men...
i really really felt like a little sister today! i was like, 'kooooooorrr.... this' 'kooooooorrrrr.... that' hahaha... i enjoyed being the youngest, i enjoyed being chided for being naughty, i enjoyed being protected, i enjoyed being loved...
what makes me feel even more like a little girl is the thought of preparing myself for tomorrow.
what should i wear?
black v neck top or green spatti?
my new skirt or the batik print one?
which sandals should i wear?
i am totally excited!
so girlie.... (secretly, yuck! ='>) i never worry about what i wear before until now... =)

I am here to tell you we can never meet again
Simple really, isn't it, a word or two and then
A lifetime of not knowing where or how or why or when
You think of me or speak of me or wonder what befell
The someone you once loved so long ago so well

Never wonder what i'll feel as living shuffles by
You don't have to ask me and i need not reply
Every moment of my life from now until i die
I will think or dream of you and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand


Is it written in the stars
Are we paying for some crime
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time


Is this god's experiment
In which we have no say
In which we're given paradise
But only for a day


Nothing can be altered, there is nothing to decide
No escape, no change of heart, no anyplace to hide
You are all i'll ever want, but this i am denied
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, i wish i'd never learned
What it is to be in love and have that love returned

running and running
forever running
from the harsh reality
lost and confused

i think wedding crasher is a super honny movie but it is real funny...
i mean, if you can laugh at weird sex related jokes, well, go catch it.
by the way,
what's the charlie and the chocolate factory hype about?
i dont see what's so special about it...


what i bought today... =) 

errr... okay, i have swopped my sim card again...
using my original 963074**
so yup...

i am insane over purple and green these days...
i know someone out there detest green
but then.... i just like the colour...
i realised that these days,
whenever i come across something ugly,
but if it happens to be purple or green
i would say, 'it aint that bad'
werid.
AND
i HATE man in pink. seriously HATE them. i would wanna squash them, crash them, burn them, kick them and and and... torture them.
ultimate sissy chicks.
(very mean of me, but, cant help it, i HATE men in pink!)

went to watch seven swords the other day and i think the movie was great... okay, i must admit that the movie is abit too hollywood type... i think the movie can do without that much sexual implications. but all in all, i am a sucker for action back to back movies... all that 'jiang wu' vengeance and different skills and swords..
here is the sword i like best in the movie... i am really impressed by the design...


Heavenly Cascade Sword (aka Heaven's Fall Sword)
 

i would like to know how does God answer prayers
because
i have a very sharp feeling that, He had just answered mine!
i am amazed... really really in a deep shock right now...
things just cant get any better.
well,
anyway, i find that recently i have been really edgy.
and i dont like that...
i get so defensive and tough... oh my... something's got to change
i think i am really expanding my arse cos i have been sitting down doing quite a bit of reading... sigh... time to change my daily routines... planned to take some languages but i still havent get around doing so... bleah.
well, i am going to be super duper lonely this national day.. it will be a day when all girlfriends look forward to, to be with their beloved darling... but me? sigh.

flooble chatbox closed down or what... cant access the website for some reasons...
anyway...
a week ago... i never spent my whole day at home... i was out the whole time and i dont even know what i was doing...
now... i spent my days at home... lingering around... reading and reading... i finished like a book in a day? i get to nap more and sit in front of the com more often...
do i like staying at home... yup, i guess somehow it aint that bad... i mean, i cant stay out forever right? home is still home. but then, part of the reason to contribute why i am not going out cos i am super duper broke... yah, i finally got my pocket money but i suddenly realised that they are too precious to be spent away just like that...
anywez i better go gym now...

to someone out there...
i feel so empty without you...
to say i miss you is an understatement
to say i love you is an understatement
i loss the sense of purposes in life...
day in day out
i focus on nothing except you
yet
i know
this whole thingy is just one sided... one sided

to another one out there...
i have so many questions for you...
eversince saturday,
i have been thinking of you...
of the times we 'had' together
of the times i felt you watching me...
of the times you tease me gently...
of the times you listen intently to my crap...
of the times you laugh at my silly comment...
of the times i caught you staring at me...
of the times i stare secretly at you...
i am still thinking of you
i miss you
it hurt me to feel this way about you
yet
i wonder
is this whole thingy just one sided... one sided

on both account,
i really want to see you (two) again... i really miss you...

i had a wonderful saturday with becky... we had chocolate buffet at fullerton and my oh my, the chocolate was GOOOOOD. so was their service... but to come and think about it... it is not really that worth it... $42 for just chocolates and a glass of dessert wine is kinda expensive... nevertheless, i enjoyed... oh btw, Jean Yeow got married that day too... the wedding dinner happened to be at fullerton too!
well, i am turning 20 soon and it suddenly dawn onto me that lots of people around me are getting married... i mean i used to put it aside like, oh so what... but then recently when i heard people getting married i was thinking 'my god, so fast?' and then i would think, oh i am 20 this year already... (reaching soon anyway) it just makes me feel that my body clock is ticking.