shuxian: enjoys cold minty shower in the morning, reading in the train, getting lost in daydreams, running in the open, browsing in a bookstore, having a slice of cake in the afternoon


i should have blogged days ago. but i am just plain lazy.
slap me, beat me, scold me
whatever
i am just plain lazy. HAH!
anyway, did i ever mention what i have achieved so far???
in terms of shopping...?
haha, let me see
2 sweaters (from the winter's clothing department)[it should be darn cold in school, and the variety in the winter's clothing section is wider... see?]
1 snoopy t-shirt!!! something in me just never grow up and i love buying stuff at the children section. err... that means that the t-shirt is from there too!
2 tops
lots of undies!!!
1 ruler
1 clutch bag? i convert this bag into a clutch bag. =)
1 lipstain (wondering if i would use it anot... or am i just buying for display...?)
2 tops for that social night(cant choose which one should i wear... so i bought the two of them instead...)
...
cant recall what else i bought over that fortnight... a lot of little tiny things here and there... but... the more important part, WHAT I STILL HAVENT BUY!
strappy sandals (looking for bronze colour)
earrings... (ooohhh, i am eyeing this $160 swaroski crystal earrings... and this $99 pearl drops earrings... sheesh! okay, i shall be more practical and get something cheaper but these two earrings just wont get out of my mind!)
shades (hey fel, i found one i like!!!)
skirts (the white fluffy one at isetan! ben complained that it is SO short and hinted that i should leave that out. hmmm...)
daily contact lens (due to my laziness even washing and keeping is such a chore...!)
handphone (high time i need to get one!but any flip phone comes with a radio? i cant find any... if anyone noes... let me noe thanx!)
shorts
still looking for a slim pencil case....  i doubt i can find one...
2 more tops
scrap book
...
more or less i should be contented for the time being. =) i think my mum is so going to be broke =) and out of courtesy sake, since she's paying for every single item, she has the right to shop with me =)!
alright.
no lunch at home so i am eating out AGAIN. will blog again when i am, err, free?
psst... no matter how busy i am i still manage to go online twice aday leh. cool huh???
oh! and i make wonton for lunch yesterday!!! and speaking of food yesterday... wanted to eat yam paste last night so me and mum waitedfor seats at the taka food court but just as the couple left, some idiotic woman cut in and sat down instead! i was so pissed that i dragged my mum to swensen for icecream! sheesh! cheap women!


ahah.
due to my ever-oh-so-fickle mind, i changed my layout again.
been so busy the past fortnight that i just want to stay at home for a good while.
but opps,
got to meet shouie
got to meet huiwen
got to meet cheehwee
cos i havent been seeing them for a while....
opps.
well, and i also am recovering from a midlife crisis(what's that?) dont ask me, some stuffs are better left to be untold. the problem with me and i dare admit it is, i am such a coward for changes. weelll that is the consequences lah.
although i am telling myself that i am taking a break, i can foreseee a busy week ahead. irony.
oh, and i went to RCIY at risen christ! all thanx to fel who (so nice of her) accompanied me there and stayed with me throughout. =) hopefully when i get confirmed she can be there too... (keeping my fingers crossed!)
that's all for now... ziao!


courage is something i lack of.
comfort is something i desperately need.

have i been denying stuffs to myself?
is my pain my own creation?

do i lead myself to my own downfall?
or do i ignore the fact that i am leading myself towards my own downfall?

will the sky be ever brighter for me?
will God has ever bigger plans for me?

is this the life i choose to live?
is this what i called life?

courage.
courage.

the courage to walk alone.
the courage to independency.

do i have that in me? 



heehee... will be meeting ben in about say an hour's time? so happy so happy so happy.
i decided to change my layout AGAIN cos i remember ben complaining about the mu's skin and the hearts one aint really going out to him so yar... changing it again... not that this one is for him too... =P
 


i thought i was going to be very bored this week with ben in his field camp. surprisingly, i dont even have the energy to go miss him... how nice of me huh? i better stay at home tmr and patiently wait for ben to book out... sigh.
went to sentosa yesterday with fel, ping and bern yesterday. at first it was raining then it stopped after say 30mins? haha, the sun was so bright and hot after that. realised that i am really really afraid of sea water... didnt want to swim cos i kept thinking there are sharks or jelly fish or sting ray or crocodiles or whatever fish in the water and i am going to be tore apart or eaten by them or whatever. silly thoughts which are so totally untrue cos there cant be sharks and crocodiles there but then, i still cant believe it. phobia. yah. i guess so. but as you know, i got into the sea... saw a flower crab... wanted to grab it but decided that it will bite so i didnt. hey, there IS crab in the sea and what if i was walking and walking and some bloody crab bite me in the water? yuck! okay, i will stop all this rubbish.
didnt mean to stood pei jun up (yeah, hear me...) the sun was good, the sea... i didnt want to get wet k? fel and ping wanted... so deledaeli, yah lah... was late loh... and i cant bring my phone around with me mah... hope you will understand soooooo sorry....
sigh will blog again later, got to go.


was so happy two hours ago... although it didnt last... had 25,000 dollars in my account... whoopho... now it is all gone, great... but still, that feeling is so gooood! =)
ben is off for a seven days field camp... am so worried for him now... it is raining and lightning and i wonder how he will be like... and somemore he left two no.4 at home so he can only change clothes every two days... so poor thing... sigh...
anyway, me going to shop for uni stuff... new pencil case, new sweater, new bag (if i see one i like, presently i have three usable ones...) skirts, jeans, t-shirts, blouses, shorts, pens, papers, sandals, rubbish and rubbish and rubbish... i know it is abit too early but then... just cant wait. i waited for too long already... oh, and my computer too!!! hahaha... 25k just doesnt seem THAT much huh???

p/s: mandy, i seen your call, listed as private no. calling... and becos of that i didnt want to pick up afraid that it might be some stupid calls... anyway, will call you probably tonight... or tmr night... depending how tired i am today... love you lots... dont be mad at me k???

finally, i see rainbow in the sky.
storm is over and the sun is out.
i cant really describe how i feel but, it is like a mixture of sadness and happiness and excitement and ...
if you have no idea what i am talking about, here is it.
i got rejected from NUS NTU and SMU.
forgot what my first choice was for NUS, cos, i didnt have anything to study there. wanted to go NTU for maritime studies but apparently i didnt have geog as a background(according to Mdm Mary Goh) so even though i appealed i didnt get it. as for SMU, i seriously have no idea why i signed up for it. perhaps i wanted to do econs. irony. i know... immature thinking then...
and now,
i am doing bsc banking and finance from UOL, university of london, london school of economics at stansfield college.
pretty happy with it now, school days are mon, tues, wed and fri, 2 to 5:30. i still have time for a part time diploma in fashion design considering that the studies are not that taxing...
finally, it is all settled.
guess, this is one of the biggest mistakes in my life. and i seriously hope this will be my turning point in life too. was joking to my mum earlier on that i will paste all the rejection letter on my study desk so that everytime i slack, they will remind me of my mistakes. maybe i should do that.
anyway, i am looking forward to studying again. like how mandy's studying hard in aussie, i pray that i may have the strength to do that too.
things that i have come to know
(1) no use blaming the past. i didnt (thank God) and if i did, i wont be here today.
(2) there are many choices in life... if only one can see beyond the trend
(3) if one doesnt put in effort, then there wont be any result
(4) family are always there... when you needed help and support
(5) studying is so much better than working, in short, working life sux... would give anything just to avoid working... but, ironically, i am looking for a part time job, to finance my car's first downpayment (-grinz-)
(6) pounds are bloody expensive. a few textbooks... no, guidebooks cost S$1370. and the exam fees... i will just leave it to mum to settle.

would like to thank mum for her undying support. and would like to apologise to her for all pain i caused her. i shouldnt have quarrelled with you in J1, i shouldnt have been so 'rebellion', i should have heed your advise, i should have studied, i should have been more humble, i should have seen your love for me. but i didnt. yet you still love me... yet you never blame me, not even a single nag... yet you still stood by me and urge me on... i never knew how you knew how i felt... i thought i hided them well. yet, you knew. MUMMY, i have let you down. i am sorry... all i can do now is to study hard and do you proud. this i promise you. not everyone is fortunate to get a 2nd chance, i am and i will do my very best. i love you, mum.

would like to thank my kor too. thanx for the lovely pair of running shoes... thanx for trying to cheer me up... i dont want a sister now, i just want you as my brother. i am sorry for being childish and immature. i am so sorry... but i will do you proud too. (psst... but you got to help me build a new com with a sony LCD monitor... -grinz- so i'll thank u in advance!)

would like to thank my dearest ben too. thanx for enlightening my stubbon mind. thanx for urging me to flip thru the SIM booklet which i came to know about all these UOL courses. i will do my very best and aim for the LSE scholarship and i will meet you in london if you get to do your aeronautical engineering. i am so sorry i've been down lately. thanx for being there for me. i love you.

would like to thank mandy too. thanx for encouraging me on too. know what? i always look forward to hear from you. you cheered me on in many ways. i hope i've made you smile too. i tried my very best... but, dear, thanx a million for giving me hope in life. i cant help but to keep saying thanx...

would like to thank fel too. thanx for understanding how i felt. i was surprised at your concern for my uni. thanx thanx. when i thought i was almost alone... you came.

would like to thank huiwen too. thanx for meeting me... your presence always makes me feel chirpy, if only i know why. you made me forget about my woes... you made me smile... i am always glad to be able to meet up with you. see you tmr!

would like to thank shouie too. your optimism in life, your garang garang attitude inspire me on. you supported me emotionally and spiritually... thanx for hearing me cry. i know i was ... hmmm... in a very bad shape... but still thanx for hearing me out. hope to see you SOON.

would like to thank everyone else... in times like that i always fall back on good memories and they always help me heal... if chee hwee is reading this... i never forget you, but the past few weeks i wasnt really to open up and thus, i didnt bother replying... i will msg you asap after i settle everything... sorry.

my many thanx to all out there. love you all so so so much.

p/s: ben complained about the mu design... saying i like mu more than him. or rather i think he hinted... so this new design is delicated to everyone esp my family. you all love me and me love you all.

another p/s: i am glad i cleared all this up. =)

this is for my darling mandy...
-grinz- hope you'll like it.
click here... (^+^)

still trying to figure out what's my purpose in life.
still trying to figure out what's all these shit about.
all thanx to my kor
for the wonderful pair of running shoes he bought for me.
reebok premier series.
a way of cheering me up, i know, cos i overheard him telling mum.
but it made me feel much better.
at least my family supports me through times like this.
am touched, very touched.
went to cathedral for mass in e morning with ben,
and visited chijmes after that...
saw Mrs Tan Ailing there... very awkward but still i did the right thing of walking up to her and say hi. somehow, not really too comfy to interact with them in front of my boyfren. wat if they say, another immature dumb ass in a meaningless relationship (which is not true...). and wat if they ask wat i am doing now. all that shit.
anyway, told ben about the ij bear thingy and so wanted to get one...
and being so eager to please me(haha) okay lah, cheer me up, he bought one from one of the primary sch gals who came up to ask.
guess wat, it is the ij katong bear.
haha... he wanted to return the bear and demand for a refund (something of him just never change...!) but i was happy with it. the thought that counts and it aint that awful looking...
and thinking that he had made a huge mistake and i will be so sad, he quickly urged me to get that ij badge cum magnet. yah, got that too. =} so sweet.
is it my imagination or that i actually felt much better among the bluez? my spirit just lifted when i was there... maybe there's so much fond memories... and i know i missed a great time with my ij frens on sat. imagine... ij frens around ij people in the ij school. sigh...
to the people i met last week, people i talked to, people who comforted me, people who stood by me... thank you so much. really. i love you all.